西式幽默①
馮驥才
學院請來一位洋教師，②長得挺怪，紅臉，金發，連鬢大胡須，有幾根胡子一直逾過面頰，挨近鼻子，他個子足有二米，③每迸屋門必須低頭，才能躲過門框子的攔擊，叫人誤以為他進門先鞠躬，這不太講究禮貌了嗎？頂怪的是，他每每與中國學生聊天，聊到可笑之處時，他不笑，臉上也沒表情，好象他不喜歡玩笑；④可是有時毫不可笑的事，他會冷不防放聲大笑，笑得翻江倒海，仰面朝天，幾平連人帶椅子要翻過去，喉結在脖子上亂跳，滿臉胡子直抖。常使中國學生面面相覷，不知這位洋教師的神經是不是有點問題？
一天，洋教師出題，考察學生們用洋文作文的水準，題目極簡單，隨便議論議論校園內的一事一物，褒貶皆可。中國學生很靈，一揮而就，洋教師閱后。評出了最佳作文一篇，學生們聽后大為不解，這種通篇說謊的文章怎么能被評為“最佳”？原來這篇作文是寫學校食堂。寫作文的學生來自郊區農村，人很老實，膽子又小, 生伯得罪校方，妨礙將來畢業時的分數、評語、分配工作等等，便不顧真假，胡編亂造，竭力美化，唱贊歌。使得一些學生看后慣慣然。可是……洋教師明知學校食堂糟糕透頂的狀況，為什么偏要選這篇作文？有人直問洋教師。
洋教師說：“這文章寫得當然好，而且絕妙無比•你們聽一一”他拿起作文念起來，“我們學校最美的地方，不是教室，不是操場，也不是校門口那個帶噴水的小花壇，而是食堂。瞧，玻璃干凈得幾乎叫你看不到它的存在——。”洋教師念到這兒，眼睛調皮地一亮，眉毛一挑，“聽聽，多么幽默！”
幽默？怎么會是幽默7大家還沒弄明白。
洋教師接著念道：“如果你不小心在學校食堂跌了一跤，你會驚奇地發現你并沒跌跤，因為你身上半點塵上也沒留下；如果你長期在學校食堂里工作，恐怕你會把蒼蠅是什么樣子都忘了……”洋教師又停住，舌頭“得”地彈一聲，做一個怪臉說，“聽呀，還要多幽默，我簡直笑得念不下去了。”⑤
學生們忽然明白了什么。
洋教師一邊笑，一邊繼續往下念：“食堂天天的飯菜有多么精美、多么豐富、多么解饞！只有在學校食堂里•你才會感到吃飯是一種地道的享受……”。
Western Humour
Feng Jicai
Transldted by Liu Xiannong
Our institute employed an English teacher. He looked very strange red-faced, golden-haired, with a thick growth of whiskers that reached all the way to the nose. He was really tall-- no less than six foot five. When he came in through the door, he had to lower his head to avoid banging against the door frame. It looked as though he always bowed to you at the door and that was much too polite. What was more, he never laughed, when he chatted with his Chinese students on amusing stories, nor did his face show any expression as if he knew no sense of humour. However, when it came to topics of the most dull nature, he would burst into uncontrollable laughter, roaring while rocking in his chair, almost falling flat on his back, his Adam's apple dancing up and down in his throat and his whiskers fluttering all over his face. The students would then look at each other, wondering if he was in his right mind. One day he set the students an essay to see how well they could write in English, the topic being A Comment on Life on the Campus-it her complimentary or critical. That was simple. And his students, quick at writing, finished it at one go and turned it in no time. He went through the papers and picked one that he thought the best. When he read it out to the students, they were greatly perplexed. Of all the comments, why did he like this one best, Not a single word of it was true. It was about the campus cafeteria and the author was a peaceable and timid guy from a village near the town. In order not to offend the school authorities -- a decisive factor: concerning his final grading, evaluation and, above; all, where he was to go after graduation -- he had made up a high-sounding story in praise of the cafeteria regardless of reality, thus making his ClaSS- mates very angry. The teacher was as well aware of the cafeteria's terrible conditions, but why should this piece in particular have appealed to him so much, Someone asked. "This is undoubtedly a good one,'' the teacher insisted. "Unprecedentedly good! Just listen --" He began to read.
※本文作者：佚名※